Getting married. Now that’s a topic that gets people’s dander up.
I’m married. Do I think you should be? Well, that depends.
I didn’t realize people thought these were articles on getting married. They’re not, not by a long shot.
There’s a lot more to consider if you want to get married without getting murdered.
So You Want To Get Married
The first question I have for you is, “Why?”
Why do you want to get married? What do you expect to gain from marriage?
You should never do anything without a clear, definite reason.
See, many people get married and think that it’s somehow part of their destiny. This is incorrect.
The thing about destiny is that it is never a justification. You don’t do something and then later decide that it must have been destiny. It either was destiny or it wasn’t.
Claiming your reasoning was better than it was is simply lying to yourself. All that’s good for is sparing your feelings.
Here’s a mantra that will ease this process for you.
FUCK YOUR FEELINGS.
Repeat the mantra to yourself as needed.
Here’s a list of reasons to get married that aren’t good enough:
- Because you’re in love.
- Because you’re “supposed to”.
- All your friends are doing it.
- You think it might be a good idea (with no further reasoning).
- You think it’s “the right way to live”.
- Because you believe the lie called “tradition” (with no further reasoning)
Here’s a list of reasons that are good enough:
- Because being married is a core component of your vision.
That’s all. That’s the only reason. There can be no other answer.
What Is Vision?
People throw around feel-good phrases and business terms to justify things they want. For some reason, saying “I want this” isn’t good enough for them.
When you ask these people for a clear definition of the words they use, they go on rambling for half an hour.
Do you know who does that? Someone that doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
When you know something, you can say it simply. You can say it so simply a child could understand it.
What is vision?
Vision is a Premonition of Your Mission.
Whatever your mission is, your vision is your premonition. You are seeing your future, when you have created something from nothing. You clearly see your reality.
Vision is real life time travel. Time ceases to exist and you see your future in your mind. You see it, so real you could reach out and touch it.
That is what vision is.
How could being married be a core component of your vision?
The Family Culture
Developing a strong, ideal family culture for their children is the only reason I would ever recommend someone get married.
How many times have you heard someone say, “You’re just like your father”? Not said to you, specifically, but to anyone? You hear it all the time.
Have you ever wondered why that is? It’s because it’s often true. People usually become their parents.
This is due to family culture, for better or worse.
Culture is everything, and the first culture a child knows is the family culture. The environment in which it develops from infancy.
Whether that child grows up in a wonderful environment or a terrible one, they’re going to do one of two things: Reflect or Reject.
They will either reflect their family culture or reject it. There is no third option.
How does this relate to being married?
Sculpting Family Culture As A Married Man
If you have children, you will create a family culture whether you’re married or not. The difference is the kind of culture you create.
If you can make marriage work for you, you can give your kids an unfair advantage. You don’t need anything more than a pair of eyes to know that broken homes are the norm, not the exception.
How is this an advantage? Well, it isn’t one. Not by itself.
To be an advantage, a couple of things have to be present first.
First and foremost, you have to be the man you need to be. There is no way around it.
You will be your children’s definition of what a man is supposed to be.
Even if you aren’t, and you fail spectacularly as a father, you will still set the tone for what is “normal” male behavior in their mind.
Next, you have to marry the woman you want their mother to be. If you chose the wrong woman, it doesn’t matter how much you like her.
She will be your children’s definition of what a woman is supposed to be.
Even if she isn’t, and she fails spectacularly as a mother, she will still set the tone for what is “normal” female behavior in their mind.
If you don’t do these two things, all you’re doing is making life harder for your children.
There are exceptions to the rule, but they’ve worked like hell to be exceptions.
I am trying to minimize your headache, not add to it. Being the right man and choosing the right woman will save you a lot of trouble later.
Sculpting family culture doesn’t end there, though.
You’re Not Just Married To Your Woman
You’re married to her family, too. And she’s married to yours. Both will affect your family culture.
If there are anchors and leeches on your side of the family, you can break free from them and kick them out of your kids lives. You can’t kick her family out, though.
Why not, you ask? Because you aren’t her. You can’t control other people.
You can only control what they willingly submit to you.
There is always the possibility that she is a good woman and knows who the anchors and leeches in her family are. There’s also a good chance she’ll change her mind about them.
Women have hormone fluctuations built right in, making clear thought challenging. Women from toxic families have it even worse, with years of stress wreaking havoc on her body and mind.
Eliminate the problem by not marrying a woman who came from a toxic family culture.
Now we come to the real reason marriage is a problem. The reason I haven’t written about getting married.
How To Get Married Without Getting Murdered
It’s damned hard to get married without getting murdered. The odds are against you.
You have to do a lot of things and do them right the first time if you want to make it work. And even if you do everything right, things can still go to hell fast.
We won’t boo-hoo about it. You already know marriage is a bad deal for a man today.
The only reason to consider it is if creating a powerful family culture matters more to you than your own needs and wants.
If I told you any different, I’d be lying to you.
It’s not impossible, though. If your vision involves marriage, here’s the things you’ll need to do we’ve already covered.
- Be the man your children will need you to be.
- Choose the woman your children need to be their mother.
- Make sure her family is the family your children need.
Here’s the things we haven’t touched on yet.
- Verify that your woman and her father have a good relationship.
- Get a prenuptial agreement (you knew I was going to say it).
- Formulate a mission statement.
- Delegate responsibilities.
- Grow the business.
Feel free to disregard any of these. It’s your funeral.
Every item on this list you skip adds to your headache later.
If you’re reading this far, you’re serious. Let’s dive in.
Your Woman and Her Daddy
Your woman can stand on her own merit. Until you’re contemplating getting married, at least.
Remember that kids either reflect or reject? That’s important, because she was a kid once.
What’s her Daddy like? How is their relationship? That’s important, because you’re Daddy now.
Her relationship with former Daddy is going to frame her relationship with current Daddy because that man set the tone for what Daddy means to her. She will expect you to be the reflection or rejection of that man.
What was he like when you met him? If you’ve never met him, meet him.
If you can’t, why is that?
He’s dead? Pass. He’s out of her life? Pass. He’s never been in her life? Pass.
You could ignore this step, but if you did, it’s because of your feelings.
Remember your mantra.
FUCK YOUR FEELINGS
We’re talking about something more important than you and your feelings – the quality of life your children will possess.
You can work around a poor relationship from her bad/dead Daddy, but I wouldn’t. That’s extra work for you.
If you actually chose the right woman (and not the one you want to be right), this probably won’t be a problem.
All a prenuptial agreement really is is a contract. There’s a lot of things you can include in a prenup.
Division of property, forfeiture of assets in the event of adultery, and guardianship are common topics. It’s terrifying stuff, but that’s what you’re getting yourself into.
One argument against the prenup is that they put the idea of divorce into your head before the marriage even begins. This is only an issue in a few ways.
- You’re more interested in staying with your woman than you are in giving your kids a good life.
- You are more afraid of losing your stuff than you are of losing your children.
- You’re more afraid of losing your money than you are of losing your children.
None of these are worth skipping a prenup for.
In case you haven’t figured out why these are important, let me be clear.
A PRENUPTIAL IS NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT PROTECTS YOUR SHIT.
YOUR SHIT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU CAN BUY MORE SHIT.
A PRENUPTIAL IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT WILL KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN YOUR LIFE.
If you and your woman have signed a contract stating you won’t keep your children away from each other, you won’t have to worry about the only real negative consequence of divorce.
In case you haven’t figured out the only real negative outcome of a divorce, let me be clear.
LOSING MONEY AND ASSETS ARE NOT THE REAL NEGATIVE OUTCOME OF DIVORCE.
YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY AND BUY MORE ASSETS.
THE REAL NEGATIVE OUTCOME OF DIVORCE IS MISSING OUT ON YOUR CHILDREN GROWING UP.
Formulate A Mission Statement
I’ve recommended you run your relationship like a business partnership. Treat your household as a business.
A business that doesn’t know its mission is a business without a leader. You are the leader here. It’s your job to formulate a mission statement.
You should know exactly what the purpose of your marriage was. You got married for a reason, and if you don’t know that reason you shouldn’t have gotten married.
The mission example I’ve given you is building a strong family culture.
What is your mission? Six simple words.
To Build A Strong Family Culture
Know it, live it, fulfill it. How do you fulfill your mission?
By taking steps toward it each and every single day.
That means you will continue to set aside your own needs and wants. That is what you are choosing to do in getting married. What does this look like?
Your child says, “Dad, read me a story please.”
Your response will never be, “I’m tired, sweetie. Daddy will read to you tomorrow.”
You hear a little voice say, “Daddy, I’m scared.”
Your response will never be, “I’m busy, just go back to bed!“
Above all, “I’ll do it later” has no place in your vocabulary. Eliminate it now.
You know your mission, and you will take steps to accomplish it every single day.
You are the leader. The leader’s job is to delegate. That means that you should never say the words, “I thought someone was going to do this!”
Your purpose in getting married was to select a partner to ease the difficulty of raising children with a strong family culture. That was the mission. Fulfilling it is your directive.
Everyone should know what they are supposed to be doing. If they don’t, the failure is yours. You didn’t delegate.
What does this look like in practice? Here’s my delegation for the early years of my children’s lives.
I told my woman, “I will handle business. All of our finances. All of our assets. I will take care of the yard, modifications to the house, and repair of anything that breaks. I will handle my own cooking.”
She still cooks for me, though. Good girl.
I told my woman, “You will take care of the children. Their transportation, in the car I’ve provided. Their hygiene. You will handle the cleanliness of the house and facilities. You will buy groceries and cook for yourself and the kids. Anything you need, you let me know and I’ll make sure you have it.”
Sounds like a traditional lifestyle? Maybe for now. When our youngest is school-aged, I’ll give my missus a job in my business.
Do you know what she said? She said, “Okay.”
Here’s the secret to delegation:
If the people don’t like your delegation, they’ll let you know. They know where the door is. They have feet.
That last sentence, “Anything you need, you let me know and I’ll make sure you have it.” She knows fully that I mean it.
Having your every need provided for is a pretty sweet deal. Asking nothing in return that wouldn’t already be done makes it a done-deal.
I really don’t see why so many people make a fuss over it.
Grow the Business
You could create a strong family culture if you’re broke as a joke. You could, but why would you?
Your family’s quality of life is your responsibility as the leader. You should be treating your household like a business.
Why wouldn’t you want to grow the business? Why wouldn’t you want to give your family the best of the best?
You are literally planting trees for future generations to sit under. That’s what you’re getting in trade for your own wants and needs.
Grow the business, meaning strengthen the bond. The life you give your children is up to you, all I can tell you is to make it a good one.
Getting Married? You Know the Odds.
You’ve stacked the odds in your favor as much as you can. You’re still playing the odds.
You could do everything right and it could still blow up in your face.
If you’re going to follow through with it anyway, you’re a gambling man like myself. If that’s the case, I’ll tell you something else.
No amount of risk will ever outweigh the joy your children will bring into your life.
If getting married is a part of your vision for them, then that’s what it’ll have to be. Seeing them happy is worth any amount of risk.
I don’t blame you one bit.