Getting married. Now that’s a topic that gets people’s dander up.
I’m married. Do I think you should be? Well, that depends.
If you wanted to have one woman (and only one woman) around, to live the 1950’s-esque fantasy of a woman serving you and your mission instead of serving her own interests, I told you how to choose the right one.
I didn’t realize people thought that was an article on getting married. It’s not, not by a long shot.
There’s a lot more to consider if you want to get married without risking what matters.
So You Want To Get Married
The first question I have for you is, “Why?”
Why do you want to get married? What do you expect to gain from marriage?
You should never do anything without a clear, definite reason.
See, many people get married and think that it’s somehow part of their destiny. This is incorrect.
The thing about destiny is that it is never a justification. You don’t do something and then later decide that it must have been destiny. It either was destiny or it wasn’t.
Claiming your reasoning was better than it was is simply lying to yourself. All that’s good for is sparing your feelings.
Here’s a mantra that will ease this process for you.
FUCK YOUR FEELINGS.
Repeat the mantra to yourself as needed.
Here’s a list of reasons to get married that aren’t good enough:
- Because you’re in love.
- Because you’re “supposed to”.
- All your friends are doing it.
- You think it might be a good idea (with no further reasoning).
- You think it’s “the right way to live”.
- Because you believe the lie called “tradition” (with no further reasoning)
Here’s a list of reasons that are good enough:
- Because being married is a core component of your vision.
That’s all. That’s the only reason. There can be no other answer.
What Is Vision?
People throw around feel-good phrases and business terms to justify things they want. For some reason, saying “I want this” isn’t good enough for them.
When you ask these people for a clear definition of the words they use, they go on rambling for half an hour.
Do you know who does that? Someone that doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
When you know something, you can say it simply. You can say it so simply a child could understand it.
What is vision?
Vision is a Premonition of Your Mission.
Whatever your mission is, your vision is your premonition. You are seeing your future, when you have created something from nothing. You clearly see your reality.
Vision is real life time travel. Time ceases to exist and you see your future in your mind. You see it, so real you could reach out and touch it.
That is what vision is.
How could being married be a core component of your vision?
The Family Culture
Developing a strong, ideal family culture for their children is the only reason I would ever recommend someone get married.
How many times have you heard someone say, “You’re just like your father”? Not said to you, specifically, but to anyone? You hear it all the time.
Have you ever wondered why that is? It’s because it’s often true. People usually become their parents.
This is due to family culture, for better or worse.
Culture is everything, and the first culture a child knows is the family culture. The environment in which it develops from infancy.
Whether that child grows up in a wonderful environment or a terrible one, they’re going to do one of two things: Reflect or Reject.
They will either reflect their family culture or reject it. There is no third option.
How does this relate to being married?
Sculpting Family Culture As A Married Man
If you have children, you will create a family culture whether you’re married or not. The difference is the kind of culture you create.
If you can make marriage work for you, you can give your kids an unfair advantage. You don’t need anything more than a pair of eyes to know that broken homes are the norm, not the exception.
How is this an advantage? Well, it isn’t one. Not by itself.
To be an advantage, a couple of things have to be present first.
First and foremost, you have to be the man you need to be. There is no way around it.
You will be your children’s definition of what a man is supposed to be.
Even if you aren’t, and you fail spectacularly as a father, you will still set the tone for what is “normal” male behavior in their mind.
Next, you have to marry the woman you want their mother to be. If you chose the wrong woman, it doesn’t matter how much you like her.
She will be your children’s definition of what a woman is supposed to be.
Even if she isn’t, and she fails spectacularly as a mother, she will still set the tone for what is “normal” female behavior in their mind.
If you don’t do these two things, all you’re doing is making life harder for your children.
There are exceptions to the rule, but they’ve worked like hell to be exceptions.
I am trying to minimize your headache, not add to it. Being the right man and choosing the right woman will save you a lot of trouble later.
Sculpting family culture doesn’t end there, though.
You’re Not Just Married To Your Woman
You’re married to her family, too. And she’s married to yours. Both will affect your family culture.
If there are anchors and leeches on your side of the family, you can break free from them and kick them out of your kids lives. You can’t kick her family out, though.
Why not, you ask? Because you aren’t her. You can’t control other people.
You can only control what they willingly submit to you. AKA You don’t control them. They do.
There is always the possibility that she is a good woman and knows who the anchors and leeches in her family are. There’s also a good chance she’ll change her mind about them.
Women have hormone fluctuations built right in, making clear thought challenging. Women from toxic families have it even worse, with years of stress wreaking havoc on her body and mind.
Eliminate the problem by not marrying a woman who came from a toxic family culture.
Now that we’ve laid the three most important criteria, you’re ready for the full list. There’s only two more things I’d like to address.
How To Get Married Without Risking What Matters
It’s damned hard to do. The odds are against you. I know I keep repeating that, but that’s because you really need to understand it.
What’s more, you may not even understand what matters. What you should be trying to minimize the risk of. To make it very clear…
LOSING MONEY AND ASSETS ARE NOT THE REAL RISK IN MARRIAGE.
YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY AND BUY MORE ASSETS.
THE REAL RISK IN MARRIAGE IS MISSING OUT ON YOUR CHILDREN GROWING UP DUE TO DIVORCE.
There. Now that we’re on the same page, let’s talk about how to minimize this risk.
You have to do a lot of things and do them right the first time if you want to make it work. And even if you do everything right, things can still go to hell fast.
We won’t boo-hoo about it. You already know marriage is a bad deal for a man today.
The only reason to consider it is if creating a powerful family culture matters more to you than your own needs and wants, at least for now.
If I told you any different, I’d be lying to you.
It’s not impossible, though. If your vision involves marriage, here’s the things you’ll need to do we’ve already covered.
- Be the man your children will need you to be.
- Choose the woman your children need to be their mother.
- Make sure her family is the family your children need.
Here’s the things we haven’t touched on yet.
- Verify that your woman and her father have a good relationship.
- Get a prenuptial agreement (you knew I was going to say it).
Feel free to disregard these. It’s your funeral.
Every item on this list you skip adds to your headache later.
If you’re reading this far, you’re serious. Let’s dive in.
Your Woman and Her Daddy
Your woman can stand on her own merit. Until you’re contemplating getting married, at least.
Remember that kids either reflect or reject? That’s important, because she was a kid once.
What’s her Daddy like? How is their relationship? That’s important, because you’re Daddy now.
Her relationship with former Daddy is going to frame her relationship with current Daddy because that man set the tone for what Daddy means to her. She will expect you to be the reflection or rejection of that man.
What was he like when you met him? If you’ve never met him, meet him.
If you can’t, why is that?
He’s dead? Pass. He’s out of her life? Pass. He’s never been in her life? Pass.
You could ignore this step, but if you did, it’s because of your feelings.
Remember your mantra.
FUCK YOUR FEELINGS
We’re talking about something more important than you and your feelings – the quality of life your children will possess.
You can work around a poor relationship from her bad/dead Daddy, but I wouldn’t. That’s extra work for you.
True, the best case scenario if she had a bad Dad (or a Mom who taught her to hate him) is that she rejected that programming. Still, you’re accepting more than you should in my book.
All a prenuptial agreement really is is a contract. There’s a lot of things you can include in a prenup.
Division of property, forfeiture of assets in the event of adultery, and guardianship are common topics. It’s terrifying stuff, but that’s what you’re getting yourself into.
One argument against the prenup is that they put the idea of divorce into your head before the marriage even begins. This is only an issue in a few ways.
- You’re more interested in staying with your woman than you are in giving your kids a good life.
- You are more afraid of losing your stuff than you are of losing your children.
- You’re more afraid of losing your money than you are of losing your children.
None of these are worth skipping a prenup for.
In case you haven’t figured out why these are important, let me be clear.
A PRENUPTIAL IS NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT PROTECTS YOUR SHIT.
YOUR SHIT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU CAN BUY MORE SHIT.
A PRENUPTIAL IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT WILL KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN YOUR LIFE.
If you and your woman have signed a contract stating you won’t keep your children away from each other, you won’t have to worry about the only real negative consequence of divorce.
In case you haven’t figured out the only real negative outcome of a divorce, let me be clear.
LOSING MONEY AND ASSETS ARE NOT THE REAL NEGATIVE OUTCOME OF DIVORCE.
YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY AND BUY MORE ASSETS.
THE REAL NEGATIVE OUTCOME OF DIVORCE IS MISSING OUT ON YOUR CHILDREN GROWING UP.
If you are objecting to this, you need to accept reality.
Even if you do everything I discussed above, there’s still a good chance that everything will blow up in your face. You could still find yourself divorced for any reason or no reason at all. That’s not the focus here, though.
The focus here is in not losing (or minimizing the loss of) access to your children. They will need their father.
All of the things we’ve discussed are just ways to try to find a woman who is unlikely to take you out of your kids life.
If that moment ever comes, whatever social acrobatics you have to make should be made. Sure, you might not have set out with the intention of having an open marriage, but it’s better than having to wait until your kids are grown to meet them.
My honest opinion is that if you are more afraid of your woman fucking someone who isn’t you than you are of losing your children, you aren’t the kind of man who should be having children.
You can always get another woman, another home, or more money. But you can’t get back the years your children had to go without a father.
Nothing in life is guaranteed, though. If you choose to get married in this day and age, you are taking a risk and you should know it.
Getting Married? You Know the Odds.
You’ve stacked the odds in your favor as much as you can. You’re still playing the odds.
You could do everything right and it could still blow up in your face.
If you’re going to follow through with it anyway, you’re a gambling man like myself. If that’s the case, I’ll tell you something else.
No amount of risk will ever outweigh the joy your children will bring into your life.
If getting married is a part of your vision for them, then that’s what it’ll have to be. Seeing them happy is worth any amount of risk.
I don’t blame you one bit.